Psychological Romance Young Adult
Gayle Forman

I Was Here – Gayle Forman (2015)

1221 - I Was Here - Gayle Forman (2015)_yt

I Was Here by Gayle Forman, published in 2015, is a poignant young adult novel that delves into the aftermath of a teenage suicide. Known for her emotionally rich storytelling in bestsellers like If I Stay, Forman explores themes of grief, guilt, and the search for truth through the eyes of a best friend left behind. The story follows Cody Reynolds as she unravels the mystery surrounding her best friend Meg’s decision to end her life, journeying into the shadows of secrets and unexpected connections.

Plot Summary

Cody Reynolds receives the email the day after Meg Garcia dies. The message is curt, final – Meg has taken her own life, apologizing but firm in her choice. She scheduled it all meticulously: a delayed message, detailed instructions, a motel room, and poison. Cody stares at the screen in the public library of their small town, unable to believe her best friend, the bright, flame-hearted Meg, is gone. The town swells with sympathy and speculation, holding vigils and whispering judgment. Cody, bitter and raw, begins to unravel.

The friendship between Meg and Cody was forged in childhood, sealed through sleepovers, secrets, and endless nights of whispered dreams. Meg had always been the daring one, the radiant one, the girl who wore cowboy boots like armor and collected firefly songs as if they could hold the world together. She escaped their tiny town on a scholarship to the University of the Cascades, while Cody stayed behind, cleaning houses and nursing a longing she barely understood.

When Meg’s parents ask Cody to retrieve Meg’s belongings from her off-campus room, she agrees without hesitation. The task feels small, a final favor, but as soon as she steps into Meg’s room – unnervingly tidy, half-packed, and preserved like a shrine – unease stirs inside her. Something doesn’t feel right. Meg was many things, but she wasn’t orderly. She wasn’t someone who folded her clothes before vanishing from the world.

Meg’s roommates, a mix of stoners and hippies, seem distant and bewildered. Among them, Alice is kind, offering bread and cautious conversation. Richard, always high and half-clueless, drops a name – Ben McCallister, a musician Meg had known, admired, maybe even loved. The name buzzes in Cody’s thoughts like a mosquito in a dark room.

A litter of new information unfurls. Meg had adopted two stray kittens, Pete and Repeat, and nursed them through illness. Why, Cody wonders, would someone so invested in saving tiny, helpless creatures abandon her own life so abruptly? The question festers.

On Meg’s laptop, which Cody opens under the guise of printing kitten adoption flyers, she finds the remnants of Meg’s digital life. Emails reveal a growing despair, a slow emotional unraveling, and messages to Ben – lighthearted at first, then desperate, unanswered, and finally cold. The final one from him is a blade: he tells Meg to leave him alone.

Cody sees red. Fueled by grief and fury, she emails him back, posing as Meg, sending him her old shirt with a taunt: back from the dead. The next day, Ben shows up at the house, furious and bewildered. They clash, but Cody’s anger starts to peel back into curiosity. Something about the way he recoils, the way guilt shadows his face, convinces her that he’s not the villain she imagined – or at least, not the only one.

Their connection is reluctant, strained, but undeniable. Together, they trace the threads of Meg’s digital footprints. Cody finds files Meg tried to delete, emails sent to an online forum that glorifies suicide, a chilling digital haven for despair. There, Meg had spoken to someone named All_BS, someone who had encouraged her, pushed her, guided her toward her death like a shepherd to slaughter. Cody’s horror deepens. Meg hadn’t done this alone.

What began as grief shifts into obsession. Cody reads and rereads every post, desperate to know why Meg turned away from the people who loved her and toward this stranger. When she learns that All_BS has done this before – coached others into ending their lives – the need for justice becomes unbearable. She decides to confront him.

Cody creates a fake identity and joins the same forum, masquerading as a vulnerable girl. She crafts her online persona carefully, weaving sorrow and isolation into every message. She catches his attention. Slowly, dangerously, she begins to reel him in, setting up a meeting. Her plan is hazy – expose him, report him, maybe just scream in his face. But she’s walking a tightrope, playing a role too close to her own truth.

Ben offers to go with her. Their shared grief has welded a strange intimacy between them – not love, not yet, but the fragile beginnings of trust. Together, they drive across state lines to the arranged meeting spot: a restaurant off a lonely highway. Cody recognizes the man instantly. He’s unremarkable in every way, except for the way her skin crawls when he smiles.

She confronts him, but it doesn’t go as planned. He’s slippery, practiced, and denies everything. Yet the encounter shakes something loose in Cody. She returns home changed – exhausted, bruised, but no longer drowning.

Back in her town, Cody begins to make peace. She gives the kittens to a no-kill shelter, writes to Meg’s parents, and faces the unfinished conversations Meg left behind. She acknowledges what she didn’t see, forgives herself for what she couldn’t fix. There are no neat answers, no sudden healings, only small mercies and quiet steps forward.

Cody applies for college again. She thinks about Meg when she walks past the fireflies in the summer, about their light – how it pulses briefly in the dark, a flicker of beauty, then vanishes. But she remembers too that light always returns. That somewhere, Meg would want her to find it again.

Main Characters

  • Cody Reynolds – The protagonist and narrator, Cody is a strong-willed and independent young woman haunted by her best friend’s suicide. Driven by grief, guilt, and a need for understanding, she embarks on a journey to uncover the truth behind Meg’s death. Her arc is marked by emotional vulnerability and self-discovery as she confronts the limitations of her relationship with Meg and the hidden pain beneath Meg’s vibrant surface.

  • Meg Garcia – Though deceased at the story’s start, Meg’s presence permeates the novel. She was charismatic, brilliant, and eccentric, with a flair for the unconventional. Her suicide is a devastating shock to those around her, especially Cody. Through Cody’s investigation, we see a complex portrait of a young woman who masked profound internal turmoil with creativity and confidence.

  • Ben McCallister – A moody, magnetic musician and Meg’s brief romantic interest, Ben initially appears to be a symbol of Cody’s anger and confusion. As Cody digs deeper into Meg’s life, Ben becomes a nuanced character grappling with his own regrets. His interactions with Cody evolve from confrontational to meaningful, revealing unexpected depth.

  • Alice and Richard (aka “Stoner Richard”) – Meg’s college housemates who provide quirky but grounding support to Cody during her stay. Alice, pragmatic and kind, contrasts with the more laid-back and often clueless Richard. Their differing perspectives on Meg help Cody see the friend she knew in a new light.

  • Sue and Joe Garcia – Meg’s grieving parents, deeply wounded by the loss of their daughter. Their quiet suffering and love for Cody underscore the emotional weight of the narrative, showing the long ripples of loss through a family and community.

Theme

  • Grief and Guilt – The novel is an intimate exploration of grief, not just as mourning, but as a confusion of emotions: guilt, anger, numbness. Cody’s journey is largely driven by the guilt of not seeing the signs, and the story portrays grief as a personal and nonlinear process.

  • Friendship and Identity – Central to the novel is the theme of friendship – particularly how well we truly know the people closest to us. Cody’s investigation forces her to question not just Meg’s hidden life but also her own identity outside the friendship that once defined her.

  • Mental Health and Suicide – Forman addresses the complexity of depression and suicide with sensitivity. The novel refuses simple explanations and instead offers a realistic portrayal of how mental illness can be invisible, and how those left behind struggle to make sense of what happened.

  • Truth and Discovery – Cody’s quest is as much internal as it is external. Her attempt to reconstruct Meg’s last months parallels a journey of discovering uncomfortable truths – about Meg, about others, and ultimately about herself.

Writing Style and Tone

Gayle Forman’s writing in I Was Here is intimate and immediate, delivered through Cody’s first-person narration. The prose is sharp, emotionally raw, and laced with introspective moments that capture Cody’s shifting psychological states. Forman balances a realistic voice with lyrical flourishes, allowing the reader to feel both the starkness of grief and the tentative beauty of healing. Her dialogue rings authentic, particularly among teenagers and young adults, and her use of interior monologue adds depth to Cody’s character.

The tone of the novel is somber and contemplative, often tinged with cynicism and anger, especially in the early chapters. Yet there is an undercurrent of resilience and hope that grows stronger as Cody confronts painful truths. Forman never trivializes the weight of suicide or the trauma it leaves behind, but she also never lets her characters remain static in their suffering. The emotional arc moves slowly toward understanding and tentative closure, mirroring the real-life process of grappling with loss.

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